So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize