Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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