You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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