Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
