haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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