Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
