the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
