Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
