Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
