my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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