I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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