Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize