there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
