wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
