so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
not ubering you a puppy
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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