is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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