I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
smell my finger.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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