I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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