Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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