dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
