3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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