i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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