Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
