I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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