3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
