we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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