I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
two words...techno handjob
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
