Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
