the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize