if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
