I'm so fucking centered right now
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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