woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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