Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
