Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
