If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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