Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
