no, he came in my armpit
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
