how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
