Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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