Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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