you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
