What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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