I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize