i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
