Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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