Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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