you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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