I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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