I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
