We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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