If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I cut my penus on the lid.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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