My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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