I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
