this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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