Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
