Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
