i permit you to call me
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
