hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize