my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
