Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize