It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
