For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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