Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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