I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize