I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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