i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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