This is not my ceiling
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
